A lot of good...

Coming out of church,Mrs Smith asked her husband,"Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?""

I didn't even see her,"admitted Mr.Smith."

And that dress Mrs.Davis was wearing,"continued Mrs. Smith,"Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper outfit for a mother of two

." "I'm afraid I didn't notice that either,"said Mr.Smith.

'Oh for heaven's sake, "snapped Mrs.Smith.'A lot of good it does you to go to church."
'

New Found Respect.....

There were these three guys talking.Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives,while the third guy remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,"Well what about you,what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow puffs out his chest and says,"Well I'll tell you.Just the other night my wife came to me crawling on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed! Their eyes are wide and they have a newfound respect for this guy."Wow!What happened then?"they asked.

The third guy sighed and replied,"She said,'get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"

Proper Attire.....

Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Victoria.To enforce the rule,the management posted this notice:"Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."

Next to it, a student added,"Socks can eat wherever they want."

Lawyer...

When my mother was called for jury duty,she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors.As a young attorney,I filled her in on what to expect.Asked about the occupations of family members,Mom answered, my son is a lawyer."As a follow up she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney. "Only to mow my lawn,"

Little Johnny on the Playground...

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground,Ms.Smith stopped to gently reprove the child."Little Johnny," she said, smiling sweetly."when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that." "Well," Little Johnny said, looking up, "You can't say you weren't warned."

Prayers....

A little girl,dressed in her Sunday best,was running as fast as she could trying not to be late for Bible class.

As she ran she prayed,
"Dear Lord,please don't let me be late!Please Lord don't let me be late!

As she was rumnning and praying,she tripped on a curb and fell,getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up,brushed herself off and started running again.

As she ran,she once again started to pray
"Dear Lord,please don't let me be late! But don't shove me either."

Jim Checking In:

A minister passing through his church in the middle of the day,decided to pause by the altar and see who came to pray.Just then the back door opened,a man came down the aisle.The minister frowned as he saw the man hadn't shaved in a while. His shirt was kind of shabby and his coat was worn and frayed.The man knelt,bowed his head, then rose and walked away.In the days that followed,each noontime came this chap, each time he knelt just for a moment,a lunch pail in his lap. Well, the minister's suspicions grew,with robbery a main fear, he decided to stop the man and ask him,"Whatcha' doin' here?'

The old man,he worked down the road.Lunch was half an hour.Lunch-time was his prayer time,for finding strength and power."I stay only moments,see 'cause the factory is so far away;As I kneel here talkin' to the Lord,this is kinda'what I say:This is Jim checkin in "I just came againto tell you Lord how happy I have been since we found each other's friendship and you took away my sin.I don't know much of how to pray but I think of You every day so Jesus this is Jim checkin' in"

The minister,feeling foolish,told Jim that was fine.He told the man he was welcome to come and pray just any time.Time to go, Jim smiled,said "Thanks".He hurried to the door The minister knelt at the altar,he'd never done it before.His cold heart melted,warmed with love,met with Jesus there.As the tears flowed,in his heart he repeated old Jim's prayer: I just came to tell you Lord how happy I have been since we found each other's friendship and You took away my sin,I don't know much of how to pray but I think of You every day,so Jesus this is me checkin' in..

Past noon one day, the minister noticed that old Jim hadn't come.As more days passed without Jim,he began to worry some.At the factory,he asked about him,learning he was ill.The hospital staff was worried,but he'd given them a thrill.The week that Jim was with them brought changes to the ward.His smiles,a joy contagious.Changed people, his reward.The head nurse couldn't understand why Jim was so glad, when no flowers,calls, or cards came,not a visitor he had.. The minister stayed by his bed,he voiced the nurse's concern :No friends came to show they cared. He had nowhere to turn.Looking surprised,old Jim spoke up and said with a winsome smile:"The nurse is wrong,she couldn't know,that all the while everyday at noon He's here,a dear friend of mine,you see.He sits right down,takes my hand, leans over and says to me:"I just came again to tell you Jim, how happy I have been since we found this friendship and I took away your sin.I always love to hear you pray,I think about you every day.And so Jim this is Jesus checkin' in"

Acting Up In Church........

One Sunday in a Midwest city,a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.
The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer,the little one called loudly to the congregation,

Pray for me! Pray for me!

Mean Old Woman............

An old man and woman were married for years,even though they hated each other,When they had a confrontation,screaming and yelling could be heard deep
into the night.

The old man would shout "When I die,I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact he was feared.To everyone's relief he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake.After the burial,she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors,concerned for her safety,asked "Aren't you afraid that he might dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of you life?"

The wife put down her drink and said,'Let the old man dig.I had him buried upside down."

Three Lttle Pigs.........

My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night.Having a deep-rooted sense of humor,he often ad-libs parts of stories for fun.

One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs.She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.She said,....'And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said "Pardon me sir,but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?"

Then the teacher asked the class,"And what do you think the man said?"

My friend's son raised his hand and said,"I know! I know! He said, Holy smokes! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next ten minutes.

Unwanted Visitor.......

A man down on his luck,went into a church which catered to the "uppity".Spotting the man's dirty clothes a deacon worried about the church's image went to the man and asked him if he needed help. the man said,"I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church

The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer.The next Sunday the man returned. The deacon asked "Did you get a different answer?"

The man replied,"Yes I did.I told the Lord that they don't want me in that church and the Lord said," Don't you worry about it ,son .I've been trying to get into that church for years and haven't made it yet."

Imperfection...............

I once heard the story of a pastor who was preaching the truth that no one is perfect,To prove his point he asked for anyone who was perfect to stand up.

One man stood up in the middle of the congregation.

The pastor asked,"Do you really think you are perfect?"

The man replied,"Oh no!I'm not perfect.I'm standing up on behalf of my wife's first husband."

Tailgating ..........

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard.Suddenly the light turned yellow,just in front of him.

He did the right thing,stopping at the crosswalk,even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof,and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.As she was still in mid-rant,she heard a tap on her and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed,photographed,and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours,a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said"I'm very sorry for this mistake.You see when I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn,flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him,I noticed the "Choose life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School"bumper sticker, and the chrome- plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally,I assumed that you had stolen the car."

We can"t foresee...

We can't foresee the turning of the tide

When problems beset us and tears are cried.

Sometimes life deals from the bottom of the deck

Filling us with worry and leaving us a wreck.

The enemy seeks to devour and destroy,

Using deceptions to eliminate our joy.

While walking through the valley, our heads hung low,

The mountain top seems so high, our footsteps slow.

How many times have we traveled this road

To battle the frustrations of troubles bestowed ?

Yet when we come to our darkest hour

God demonstrates His infinite power.

It doesn't matter how bad things might seem,

He always comes through, our faith to redeem.

God will not fail us in our times of pain.

He'll never forsake us, by our side He'll remain.

So when we find ourselves at a total loss

Or when the valley seems too wide to cross,

Just remember you're in His love and care,

Look over your shoulder, He's always there!

author unknown

A Bit of a Fool----

A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival.The street was too narrow for two to pass.The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily"I never make way for fools!"Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said," I always do!"

Heartprints................

Whatever our hands touch---
We leave fingerprints !
On walls,on furniture,
On doorknobs,dishes, books
As we touch we leave our identity.

Oh please where ever I go today,
Help me leave heart prints !
Heart prints of compassion
Of understanding and love.
Heart prints of kindness
and genuine concern.

May my heart touch a lonely neighbor
Or a runaway daughter,
Or an anxious mother,
Or ,perhaps a dear friend !

I shall go out today
To leave heart prints,
And if someone should say
"I felt your touch,"
May that one sense be
YOUR LOVE
Touching through

ME

Prospecting for the Lord....

On a sunny Sunday afternoon,two young church members were going door to door to invite people to visit their services.

When they knocked on one door,it was immediately clear the woman who answered was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message,and before they could say anything more, she slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise however the door did not close; in fact it bounced back open. She tried again,really putting her back into it,and slammed the door with the same result-it bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door,she reared back o give a slam that would teach them a lesson.

Just then,one of them said quietly,"Ma'am, before you do that again you really need to remove your cat."

The Diary.........

Linda: What's that you're reading?"

Jill: "A diary."

Linda: "What's in it?"

Jill:"I can't tell you that.A diary is a highly personal and confidential affair.

It has important secret dreams and secret yearnings.It's private.

It's not meant to be sharedlightly with other people.
.
And besides this diary belongs to Margaret."

What If....?

God couldn't take the time
to Bless us today because we could not
take the time to thank Him yesterday....

What if...?

God decided to stop leading
us tomorrow
because we didn't follow Him today...

What if....?

God didn't walk with us today
because we failed
to recognize it as His day....

What if....?

We never saw another flower bloom
because we grumbled
When God sent the rain....

What if....?

God took away the Bible
tomorrow,because
we would not read it today.....

What if....?

God took away His message
because we failed to listen
to his messenger.....

What if...?

God didn't send His only begotten Son
because He wanted us to be
prepared to pay the price of sin....

What if....?

The door to the church
was closed because
we didn't open the door of our hearts....

What if....?

God would not hear us today because
we would not listen
to Him yesterday......

What if....?

God met our needs
the way we give
Him our lives....

What if....?

God answered our prayers
the way we answer
His call to service....


What if.....?

We failed to pass this message on....

A Sign.,.....

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

As they crawl out of their cars,the woman says,"So your a man,thats interesting.I'm a woman.Wow,just look at our cars! There's nothing leftut fortunately we are unhurt.This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered,the man replied,"Oh yes I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" the woman continued,"And look at this,here's an other miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man.The man nods in agreement,opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle,immediately puts the cap back on,and hands it back to the man

The man asks "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies "No .I think I'll just wait for the police...."